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Post by alcamtar on Jun 14, 2021 2:08:13 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 4 (p.44) ---------
its time -> it's time
SPEED TRICKS "There are only very certain circumstances that this can be used it, but this allows" -> suggest "While they can only do this in certain circumstances, this allows"
can "abort" to -> can "abort" your next phase to
MOAR COMBAT other maneuvers you can do which -> other maneuvers that
Brace: This move reduces Range Modifier penalties by 2, Dive for Cover: the area they were, -> the area they were in, Dive for Cover: They are prone -> They end up prone Move Through: takes all the damage before that they rolled, -> takes all the damage that they rolled before, Pulling a Punch: Its good -> It's good
Pulling a Punch: This is a little confusing, almost sounds in places like a character is making an attack rather than responding to one. Suggestion: "This defensive action allows a character to give way before a hand-to-hand attack, taking slightly less damage. This reduces the character’s OCV and DCV by 2, but can be aborted to. To roll with a punch, make an attack roll against the attacker's OCV rather than DCV, as if you were blocking. If the roll succeeds, apply defenses and then cut the BODY and STUN damage in half before taking it. Characters who Roll With The Punch can take more Knockback."
What does it mean to "abort" to pull a punch? Does it mean take your action early to punch someone "lightly", or does it mean after you roll damage and realize it's going to be too much you can abort to Pulling it. Roll with the Punch: This allows a character give way or roll back from an attack, taking slightly less damage from....
Shove: resist...if they have a half phase to use. -> resist...by taking a half phase action.
I KNOW FUNG FU Its time -> It's time
page 47 is blank. Is that intentional?
APEX (back of sheet) Combat Skill Levels: "This is the only place where Apex has changed in this chapter." Actually Apex got martial arts skills too.
knocked away and they are -> knocked away, and anyway they are hitting in the previous chapters -> hitting in the past
AVENGER (back of sheet) Glide: cannot climb altitude -> cannot gain altitude Throw Shield: ranged damage. OIF Shield -> ranged damage, OIF Shield. Breakfall: avenger -> Avenger Combat Skill Levels: needs a period Martial Arts: needs a period.
DR NOPE (back of sheet) Spider Senses: I keep thinking of this as "Eight Eyes" lol
MOMENTUM (back of sheet) p53 "dash past multiple targets striking them all" -- you don't introduce multiple attacks until the next chapter so this entire summary is premature. Things that are new in this chapter that could be highlighted: Speed Dodge, Fast Metabolism, Tireless Running,+3 with move by.
STARBLAZE (back of sheet) Star Blast/Blaze/Light/Vision: periods Star Vision: male pronouns "His" and "him"
STREET KNIGHT (back of sheet) Visor: period
TROOPER (back of sheet) Visor: period
"can be a big help" -> needs a period
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 14, 2021 2:08:30 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 5 (p.58) ---------
FINAL CHARACTERISTICS its not -> it's not Its just -> It's just
EGO its used -> it's used
MENTAL POWERS Its all -> It's all
FINIS Theres a ton -> There's a ton
AVENGER (back of sheet) Cowl: male pronoun "him' (2x), "his" (1x)
SPELLBINDER (back of sheet different -> difference
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 15, 2021 15:44:49 GMT
First, thanks for the corrections and suggestions, that is a huge help. As you can tell, I have always struggled with its and it's, primarily because the contraction is the opposive from how they are usually done. Editing your own stuff is very challenging and a fresh set of eyes is a tremendous aid, I want you to understand how much I appreciate it. I seriously considered giving Dr Nope 8 eyes around their head but decided that's just too creepy The character sheets listed are for when people have picked a PC already. They're going to be given cards with info on them that helps them know who the character is, what they do, and what they look like, for the exact reasons you give. Plus, the stats mean nothing to new players at the start of the game when they are picking characters. I included an example of a card front and back; I'd upload the whole thing but with the illustrations its too big for the board to allow: Attachments:
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:54:26 GMT
Ok, finally finished the GM Guide. This has been a really fun read and a cool adventure. I like the informal writing style. Anyway, without further ado...
------------ INTRODUCTION ------------
Like a tutorial in a computer game, Champions Begins -> "Champions Begins" should be italicized
WHAT IS CHAMPIONS?
"Therefore, Champions / the HERO System is..." -> the justification results in wide spacing which makes the '/' kind of weird. I thought it was a misplaced "I" or "l" at first. You could drop thie Champions and just say "Therefore, the HERO System is..." or alternatively say "...Champions (and the HERO System) is..." since that keeps the focus on Champions as the topic at hand as well as the original from which Hero sprang.
AND SO IT BEGINS
steet crime based -> street crime-based (I feel like this needs a dash but it is always awkward with two words)
throw a Hot Hatch over a river -> what... is a "Hot Hatch"?
MY TUTOR
players will not have -> players may not have
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:54:37 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 1 ---------
there is an orange "editing sticker" hanging off the right of the page
WHATS ALL THIS THEN? ...sample PCs (Ace) against... -> ...sample PCs (Street Knight) against...
VIPER agent’s character sheet on page x -> need correct page number
"super easy, barely an inconvenience" -> heh
SPEED AND DEXTERITY
sequence if followed -> sequence is followed
WHAT DO THEY DO?
if its “nothing”. -> if it's “nothing”.
LOOK AROUND the time, as a GM -> the time; as a GM it’s a standard 3d6 roll attempt to hit or roll lower than a specific target number (11– for example). -> it’s a standard 3d6 roll, trying to get the target number or lower (11– for example).
INTERACT is “role Playing” time -> capitalization
MOVE single phase. Its one or the other -> single phase. It's one or the other.)
SPECIAL ATTENTION These character descriptions would be great in teh player's guide. Better than the ones I wrote in my other edits summary. APEX: RGPs -> RPGs DR NOPE: no -> No STREET KNIGHT: the -> The
ON THE CLOCK Actions that take no time: sentence needs a period. If that would cause word wrap, you could change "take up no time" -> "take no time" Actions that take no time: suggest "...can be done at any time, even when it's not your phase, like when..." Zero Phase Actions: suggest "These are free actions that do not use any of a character’s phase, and can be done any time during your phase, but not outside of your phase."
Attack Actions: (Half phase Attack Action) -> capitalize Phase to match previous usage
VIPER'S NEST Assault on the Tanghal Tower: VI PER -> VIPER Combat in Christopher Park: hero's -> heroes'
HOW TO SLITHER
<pedantic> The backstory happened in 1938, when the Falcon was probably at least 20, so he was probably born in 1918 or earlier. The PC writeups mentioned internet models and stuff, so it sounds like this is supposed to be present day. That suggests the Lucas Brill is 100+ years old, not 80+ years old. Either he has unusual longevity or the Falcon was Lucas' father. Alternately maybe the backstory happened in 1958 and it was a Russian spy instead of a Nazi. (You mention later that he's 92, so assuming it's 2021 as he was born in 1929 and 9 years old in 1938.) </pedantic>
so they all the men -> so they nab all the men, the men have -> the men who have
Over Explained: It's not -> it's not... its that -> it's that
MYSTERY MEN
Note: it seems like Page 9 should come before Page 8, as it sets up the background to the funeral
GETTING THE HEROES INVOLVED
Unofficial Heroes: ...feds and criminals on the street and a been asking an awfully... -> ...feds and criminals have been asking an awfully...
LAKE FOREST CEMETARY first paragraph does not end with a period
WRAP UP If things went to play, -> If things went according to plan, interesting an give -> interesting and give
VIPER COVERT AGENTS COMLINK: agents with one -> agents who have one CONCEALMENT: "A successful Concealment Roll is a subtraction to a Perception Roll to spot it" -- This is not very clear. I understand but I've run Hero many times. I suggest "When making a successful Concealment roll, any Perception roll to find it is made at -1 for every 1 the Concealment roll was made by." (yeah thats ripped straight out of Champions Complete.)
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:54:47 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 2 ---------
HOW LONG its what you perceive -> it's what you perceive
EXCEPT WHEN YOU DONT its Champions -> it's Champions
RECOVERING "RECOVERING" is only partially parenthesized reducing TANK to -> reducing Tank to
CHARGE IT
VIPER BRIEFING when he sneak in -> when we sneak in
CONFUSED OFFICIAL HEROES Official Heroes already now the basics -> Official Heroes already know the basics trench coated -> trench-coated
THE SETTING Whether its -> Whether it's
TANGHAL TOWER it costs + 1" -> remove space in +1 (x character can try a Professional Skill roll) -> replace "x character" with something
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:54:58 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 3 ---------
PRESENCE ATTACKS If successful the presence attack -> If successful, the presence attack
WE MUST ENDURE or each phase a continuous ability like Force Field for Supernova -> or each phase for a continuous ability like Supernova's Force Field
HOW MUCH BODY DOES MY ATTACK DO? in which its zero body -> in which case it's zero body Now stop throwing things at me, I -> Now stop throwing things at me! I Its pretty -> It's pretty
Killing Attacks. pitchforks, anything sharp -> pitchforks: anything sharp A 3d6 Killing Attack will average just over 11 Body damage. -> A 3d6 Killing Attack will average just over 10 Body damage.
COMBAT MANEUVERS IN THE DARK block, run at and bash, take -> block, run up to an enemy and punch , take ["run at and bash" feels kind of cryptic]
Haymaker: after the attack (*) -- the asterisk is never explained and is confusing. Does it refer back to the ½* Phase? After looking at the text in Champions Complete, I suggest just removing both asterisks. Also an brief example might help: "For example if Apex performs a Haymaker on action segment 3, the attack would actually land at the end of segment 4 -- possibly after the target has already moved."
Trip: if they are in motion -> if the target is in motion can make another boring agent fight -> can make an otherwise boring agent fight
FLASHING YOUR TARGET This power instead of damaging -> This power, instead of damaging
FLASH GRENADE EXAMPLE rolls to hit a location with DCV 3, -> rolls to hit a location with DCV 3 (because it's an area effect),
THE SHREW A short mean, unstable -> A short, mean, unstable going after their combat -> going after his combat
THE PLAYERS The Player Characters, of course, UNTIL, VIPER, the heroes, and the Crusher Gang -- "Player Characters" and "heroes" are redundant and makes it sound like five groups
THE MAGUFFIN only copy newly developed -> the only copy of a newly-developed
GETTING INVOLVED Now its in -> Now it's in Crusher Gang just knows -> Crusher Gang only knows
THE PEREZ BOOK DEPOSITORY can easily be turned on -> can be easily turned on
VIPER roll 1 d6 -> roll 1d6
COMPLICATIONS Both of the VIPER suit -> Both of the VIPER suits
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:55:13 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 4 ---------
THE GOOD STUFF Its time -> It's time
I KNOW KUNG FU now its time -> now it's time
Block and Dodge: there is an editing sticker here a character -> A character page x -> fill in the page number
Grab By: on the movie -> on the move move, the target at any point... -> move, and the target may be at any point... damage of half -> damage equal to half
Pulling a Punch: this is in the document twice (separated by a page break). The second version has a slightly better description (heroes aren't trying to cause permanent harm) so delete the first one.
MARTIAL ARTS give characters some exciting options -> give all characters some exciting options Now characters who have had Martial Arts listed as damage in the past can do special maneuvers that only they know. -> Up till now Martial Arts has been treated as simple damage... but Martial Artists get special maneuvers that only they know!
WEAPON ELEMENTS bare handed -> bare-handed
KNOCKBACK a couple times -> a couple of times (if it deals body damage or not) -> (whether any damage gets past defenses or not)
SPECIAL CASES then they go further, again roll -> then they go further: again roll
COMBAT SKILL LEVELS (only in hand to hand fighting) -> (only applies in hand to hand fighting)
ABORTING AN ACTION Also, _this is important_: -> Also, and _this is important_:
its too late then. -> then it's too late.
Characters can only abort their phase once. ... is that once per turn, or once per combat?
NO MORE NEW STUFF for this chaper. -> for this chapter.
COMBAT IN CHRISTOPHER PARK for crimes past done -> for past crimes
THE PLOT VIPER wants him dead, because the things he can reveal they don’t have time to change or stop in time. He can do them tremendous damage. -> VIPER wants him dead, because he can cause them tremendous damage with the things he can reveal, and they won’t have time for damage control.
THE DEFECTOR James Allison used to work at R&D in VIPER after a few years as a field agent when it was discovered how good he was with tech. -> After a few years as a VIPER field agent, James Allison worked at R&D when it was discovered how good he was with tech.
THE HEROES AND UNTIL as well to not spook -> as well so they won't spook sooth the man -> soothe the man
VIPERS SETUP The device called the “Judas Bomb” will activate soon -> The device is called the “Judas Bomb” and will activate soon
THE JUDAS BOMB Ever Turn, -> Every turn
SCENES dog on a leash ignoring it -> dog on a leash is ignoring it Mom with a stroller trying to hit heroes with it -> Mom trying to hit heroes with a stroller
HERO TACTICS Maybe add something about civilians endangering themselves in their frenzy, and needing to be restrained for their own protection. Mind Crotrol -> Mind Control
DISARMING THE BOMB The Bomb its self -> The Bomb itself (occurs 2x in this section) strange looking -> strange-looking its not like its going -> it's not like it's going IF they -> If they
ORDINARY PEOPLE <missing writeups>
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 5:55:31 GMT
--------- CHAPTER 5 ---------
MENTAL POWERS Its not that -> It's not that it had to wait -> they had to wait its that they -> it's that they
Mental powers can...go based -> act based add: Use whichever stat is higher.
SO MANY CHOICES Its all or nothing -> It's all or nothing how they work and will be in the tutorial. -> how they work and all you need for the tutorial.
Combined Attacks: each costs its appropriate -> each costs it's appropriate They must all be offensive attacks (you cannot do combined defensive maneuvers). -> They must all be offensive attacks; you cannot do combined defensive maneuvers.
Summary: give players and you as the GM a lot -> give players (and you as the GM) a lot
CHILLBLAINE Forer military -> Former military only deense against => only defense against Energey Defense -> Energy Defense living creatures, this has -> living creatures: this has
SHADOWFIST A former Tae Kwan Do champion whose powers manifested in a match, causing Genocide to attack. -> what does this mean? Who is Genocide?
SHIFT model whose life of crime she is careful to keep from anyone -> model who is careful to keep her life of crime hidden from anyone even if its not -> even if it's not
SIDEWINDER Grab Em -> Grab'em
DOOMSDAY GETTING THE HEROES INVOLVED and its time -> and it's time
WHERE IS THE NEST? Its in the basement -> It's in the basement which the Nest Leader can flee from. -> by which the Nest Leader can flee. Only if the PCs got the full security info from Allison last chapter is this even known about. -> The PCs only know about this if they got the full security info from Allison last chapter. This is accessed by -> The hatch is accessed by
The entire area is walled off from the rest of the building, and runs all four floors plus the basement, with a VIPER Falcon hover-Van and four Air-Cycles parked along with racks for guns, recharging stations, and a small repair area. -> Split this into two sentences... The entire area is walled off from the rest of the building, and runs all four floors plus the basement. A VIPER Falcon hover-Van and four Air-Cycles are parked htere along with racks for guns, recharging stations, and a small repair area.
(Also, this paragraph started by describing an escape hatch, so I assume this four story area (and the hover/air craft) are part of an escape area that is isolated from the rest of the building? By a wall four stories tall? The part about the roof opening up seems to be in context of the overall building (due to being in a separate paragraph), but flying sounds like it is for the escape vehicles (so really belongs in the preceding paragraph). My understanding is that there are effectively two buildings side by side, walled off from each other; the first is a normal four story bulding with an elevant, and the escape hatch leads to the second building which is walled off (presumably to foil pursuit) and that escape building has hovercraft and an open roof. Might be clearer with the emap of course.)
VIPER TACTICS full scale assault -> full-scale assault
UNTIL TACTICS crashing the gates stuff -> crashing-the-gates stuff It will take them a turn but -> It will take them a turn, but
SUPERVILLAIN TACTICS more unusual and flexible the earlier tend to be -> this was confusing, partly because the list of villains is on the next page. When I saw "the earlier" I was scanning up preceding paragraphs trying to figure out what it was referring to. I suggest moving this paragraph to *follow* the list, and then add a brief sentence to introduce the list, like this:
Here is the list of supervillains you can pick from: <list here>
Which members are present depends...
Suggest changing "the earlier tend to be" to "the earlier should be"
Gymnasium (area x) -> placeholder? If present, sidewinder -> If present, Sidewinder
p42, map is labeled "need to rename"
NEST TRAPS Blaster Trap: a line -> A line
THE PCs KNOW IF THEY SAVED ALLISON 3) the -> The
THE VIPERS NEST has its own -> has it's own
SECOND LEVEL 5. OPERATIONS ROOM 1ry to escape -> try to escape
THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE 70s sci fi -> 70s sci-fi amped up version -> amped-up version See page x for details -> need page reference
ALL THOSE AGENTS Its up to you -> It's up to you
How many agents are there? as its fun -> as it's fun If its boring -> If it's boring
How to fight a VIPER Agent its time for something else -> it's time for something else
Assign Agents “hits”... can be ht by anyone -> can be hit by anyone
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Post by alcamtar on Jun 18, 2021 8:39:50 GMT
I've never played or run Champions but after reading through this adventure, I want to!
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 18, 2021 19:53:02 GMT
Thanks for the kind words, that really gives me confidence I might have done a decent job with this project. A "Hot Hatch" is a small hatchback that has been modified for speed and cornering so its a little racing machine. The term is common among car guys and racing enthusiasts, maybe too obscure for the general public?
I appreciate all the suggestions for rewording, your ideas are a lot clearer. As a side not this document in particular... Going through it I think some odd formatting stuff happened in conversion between formats and saving because there's weird stuff in there I have no memory of writing and confusing formatting stuff I would have caught. This is not the first time I have seen Publisher do that. I need to get the UNTIL agents and bad guys all written up for use so there are character sheets available. Now with some editing I have a reason to.
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 24, 2021 18:15:53 GMT
I have not heard back from the playtester yet, but its just as well because I didn't include the bad guy files with the packet he got, so I'll build that up and send it to him. I need that feedback because nobody in his group has played Champions and he's only played a little bit.
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 24, 2021 20:34:26 GMT
OK I found a way to show off all the character designs at once, you can see all the colored version and the male/female images of each character at THIS HERE LINK. All 10 characters are in there in both sexes. I haven't finished coloring all of them as of this posting but am getting them done slowly. Please let me know what you think, I really appreciate the input.
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 28, 2021 23:38:34 GMT
Currently building the villain character sheets. They're a modified version of the PC sheets, with background info an a picture on them so the GM can use them to run that character. I'll get an image on here eventually. Because its an adventure in 5 parts there are a lot of bad guys to write up, particularly as there are multiple versions of VIPER as the chapters progress and reveal more rules.
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Post by CRTaylor on Jun 30, 2021 19:00:48 GMT
OK I have uploaded the Champions Begins project to the Downloads section of the Hero Website. There's still a lot of work to do, primarily art, maps, and coloring, but I wanted to give people a look at the thing as it now stands. The current format and layout is probably how it will go. Because of the art, its a fairly large download for an adventure. Please, if you want to help out, do so soon. If you want to playtest, please do. Remember, this is going to be FREE FOR EVERYONE because it is meant to be a promotional product and aid for people to learn to play Champions. I'd love to see people running this at game stores, conventions, and so on. There's no pay for anyone involved, but if you want to donate art and your time to help promote our hobby, please do. WHAT WE STILL NEED: - A couple of maps redrawn and updated, or just drawn at all
- Interior illustrations, especially for the Player Book
- A definitive VIPER costume for agents and elite agents
- Coloring on multiple characters
- More editing passes in case we've missed something important
This is getting very close to being done, I hope we can get it wrapped up by fall. I really wanted to have it ready for Summer, but with the way conventions and the shutdowns have been going, it probably is not that significant a problem for timing.
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